Basic Rambling: Dreams / Dinoscore: Loney, Dear

I know I've talked about dreams before. Last night was a rough one. I woke up screaming... maybe not out loud, but my heart, my brain -- even my soul was screaming loud enough to make up for the lack of actual sound. I was frozen there for several minutes, still waking up as the details of the dream slipped away as they often do. I'm left with the final images that I had right as the terror set in, but not enough pieces of the story to explain what was really happening. I do remember pieces, such as the initial joy that I felt when I ended up at some unknown location to find a man that I once knew when he was a boy. He'd meant a lot to me and I was excited to see him again -- grown now. At the time I knew him, there was another boy, I loved dearly, Jake. He'd had a hard life in the 14 years he'd been alive. His family had chosen to live in a way I'll never understand. It's hard to label it. Some would say he and his siblings were neglected, others would simply blame their way of life on addiction his parents both had. In any case, Jake became part of my life as I tried to help him make something of himself and to break the cycle of struggle his family was enduring.

That was a lot of years ago. I don't want to regurgitate the whole story. I lost contact with Jake and a couple of years ago he died in a car accident. His unexpected death haunts me a lot. The years I spent trying to help Jake have a good life seemed wasted. The hope I had of seeing Jake flourish sometime in the future suddenly had nowhere to go. After weeks of suffering, I had a dream about him, that helped my mind settle into the fact that he was gone. The details of that dream did not escape me like last night's dream did.

I was in the parking lot of a convenience store, simply walking to my car. A maroon minivan was parked near the door. As I walked by, the door opened and Jake's mom stepped out. I hold a lot of contempt for this woman. I know he loved her and her other children do too, but I blame her for the majority of hardships that he and his siblings endured. She was the last person on earth I wanted to see or have approach me. She calls to me to get in the van because there is something I need to know. I don't want to go with her. Nothing she can tell me has any value, but to shut her up, I did as she requested. I crawled into the sliding door of the van. There were boxes and a couple of his siblings in the van. She got into the driver's seat. I sat there for a moment waiting for this big news, when Jake leaned around from the front passenger's seat to tell me it was time to stop grieving. Nothing could change what had happened.

Well, I've done my best, but as anyone knows who has lost someone, there are days that you are haunted no matter how hard you try.

So back to my most recent dream... here I was unexpectedly face-to-face with this person who had been friends with Jake and I was so excited to see him because whenever I used to see him, Jake was always close by. It was great to see him grown into a man. Then I realized, when I went to look for Jake to be near him, that Jake is gone and I wouldn't have the chance to see him all grown up.

Yeah, the awake me already knew that, but the asleep me I guess didn't because all I remember next was screaming and sobbing.

Jake's loss was a few years ago. This year, I lost my dad. We had months of knowing we were losing him. It does make it easier. I'm thankful for the chance to say goodbye. As hard as the loss was, I can imagine how much worse it would be if I hadn't been given that opportunity.

Some days I get so frustrated that my dad is gone. It's hard for my brain to understand that it's permanent. I told my mom I feel like he's just waiting for us to come pick him up somewhere... like, he'll be home later.

A few weeks ago there was another loss of someone who meant a lot to me. Knowing him gave my life a fresh start and even a meaning, which is a lot of credit to give one person. He was a mentor and an inspiration, a great man I am proud to have known. My sadness after his loss is a different type of grief. I am happy to have known him, but grieve that so many others will not have that chance. He changed the lives of hundreds of thousands of people all over the world -- not just my life. Bob Hentzen, you will be missed. You can read more about him here. It's just a tiny glimpse I know.

Now, take a deep breath and listen to Loney, Dear - I Dreamed About You


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